Proving Yourself Wrong

April 29, 2012 § Leave a comment

You’re answering a test.

You know what is being asked and you know how to accurately answer all the items.

But.

Your mind refuses to give out the information that you need, and no matter how much you try to squeeze something out of your brain, nothing comes out.

You’ve told yourself a couple of times to try.

To try harder.

“You can do this,” you tell yourself.

Breathe in, breathe out.

You are very much capable of answering that test with ease. You know that.

And then suddenly, you feel frustrated.

You hear the ticking of the clock, echoing as loud as a drum in your ears.

20 minutes left.

You feel stupid.

You feel pressured.

You feel angered.

Your confidence starts to crumble into dust. Your mind starts to shut down on its own. You think that everything you believe in is complete and utter bullshit.

You then realize you failed. Not just the test.

The bell rings.

You failed.

You failed yourself.

You failed at life.

—–

July 2011

What I felt while I was answering a very important Math long test.

I wrote that right after taking one of the most important exams in college. I really wanted to break down after all papers have been passed, but I didn’t want to do it in front of so many people, though I managed anyway by getting my phone and typing/writing what I felt right at that very moment.

Admittedly, I studied for the exam. I studied too hard, actually. I answered all odd-numbered items in the book, and 5 other sample long tests (2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010). I even timed myself while doing so. In addition to that, I studied a few minutes before taking the actual test. Consequently, those lead to my brain shutting down when I needed it the most. It stopped.. functioning. Like what I said, I tried so hard to squeeze something out of it. But nothing came out. I don’t claim to know everything, but I swear I knew how to answer all of the items during the test. But my brain refused to listen to my command. I can’t really put the blame on it since I was the one who overused it. But I guess I’ll just have to accept what happened.

I know that this doesn’t change the fact that I screwed up. And that at that moment I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I just felt so lost, so stupid. But then again, one thing’s for sure: Life. Goes. on. I just have to learn how to go with the flow. Everything happens for a reason anyway. Right?

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